My “bonjour” battle: The downside of social comparison
“Comparison is the thief to joy”— Theodore Roosevelt
Falling headlong into the social comparison quagmire
I have a love/hate relationship with the French language. I love the way it sounds, I hate the way it makes me feel. Correction… I hate the way “I” make me feel”, about it. Let me explain. I went into our third move, this time to Paris France, with sheer determination to not just learn, but “master” the French language. Oh, and to do so in record time. I have always been a very good student, so how hard could it be, right? I had the time, the enthusiasm, the access to some lessons, and a national library's worth of books, flip cards and apps at my disposal. My husband and daughter spoke French, good French, so I assumed it would be just a matter of osmosis. My first ever friend in Paris, an American, conversed easily with the server at our first coffee meetup, and my new Philipino neighbour, and fellow school mum, was seemingly fluent. This to me was evidence that in the blink of an eye I too would be holding carefree dialogue with the boulangerie staff. But alas, in my French class “everyone” seemed to be getting it easier than me (or so I told myself). I studied hard between classes but my classmates (especially the Italians) just kept pulling ahead (or so I thought). As my classmates joked and had fun in class I became more solemn and self-critical. Whilst they left the class joking about how “crazy hard” learning a language is, I often felt like crying. When well-meaning relatives and friends would ask how my French was going, or worse, ask me to “say something”, I felt embarrassed, even defensive. I was miserable and lived in dread of Thursdays, French class day! It got to the point where I would have preferred having a bikini wax performed by a drunken baboon then go to French class. But I continued to put pressure on myself and worked even harder, telling myself that “everyone” else was “getting it”. My cute language “faux pas” were met with self-criticism whilst my inner critic (who sadly is still only monolingual) yelled “you can’t keep up with them”. Then COVID 19 arrived. French class was suspended and with the mandated lock-down I had the excuse to hibernate from the French whirlwind that engulfed my senses each time I cracked open my front door. It was then that I realised the mistake I was making. I was comparing myself, and my French literacy, to EVERYONE! To every class member (yes, even the bilinguals, trilinguals and Italians, to my French-speaking husband and daughter, to people who had learned it in highschool, and to new friends and neighbours. I even compared “my French” to French people’s ability to English!!!
What is social comparison?
The habit of thinking about information about one, or more people, in relation to oneself is called social comparison. We can make social comparisons to others for a number of reasons. These include, to evaluate yourself (e.g. “how good am I at French); to learn from others (e.g. how much practice does my classmate do to improve her French); or to feel better about themselves (“I, as an Aussie, might be bad at French but I’m not as bad as the Kiwi in the class”. Oh, FYI the Kiwi was actually killing it but Aussie/Kiwi friendly rivalry forbids me from telling her so).
The pros and cons of social comparison.
Social comparison, for better or for worse, is a natural reflex for most of us, with Social Comparison Theory (Festinger, 1954) positing we actually determine our personal and social self-worth depending on how we stack up against others. Whilst my practice of continual self-comparison was clearly self-sabotaging, self-comparison generally has one of two outcomes. Comparing yourself to others that are doing better in a certain domain, called “upward comparison” can be motivating or inspire you to improve. Unfortunately, “upward comparisons” can also back-fire and cause feelings of deep dissatisfaction, inferiority, jealousy, guilt, or resentment. Research has also shown that chronic “upward comparison” can be a major contributor to depression. In my case, my chronic upward comparison to ANYONE who could speak French (mind you I assumed they were speaking French, they could have been bluffing with a whole load of “le goobly gook” and I wouldn’t have known) whilst initially motivating, very quickly became severely counterproductive. Instead of enjoying my French lessons I felt anxious going to class. Whatsmore, I started to resent it as it made me feel (correction: I made me feel) “tres stupide” (very stupid). On the other hand, if you are the one performing better, making a “downward-comparison” can give your self-esteem a nudge, just so long as you keep a check on any arrogance or superiority.
What drives the outcome of social comparison?
It is suggested the impact of a comparison is influenced by how it relates to our current self-identity. For example, I might be in awe of my friend’s musical ability, but intimidated by her ability to speak French as this is extremely important to me and my identity as a new expat in France. Of course a major pitfall (or motivator) of social comparison is that it is exclusively based on relative, as opposed to objective, data. That is, it is based on our ranking compared to others. For example, I could be feeling pretty chuffed about speaking in French for 1 minute about “ma chat” (my cat) only to be totally deflated when a classmate stands up and gives a detailed description of every single member of her whole entire extended family!
How common is social comparison?
Social comparisons are believed to be ubiquitous though we mostly don’t admit it. In fact some studies suggest that up to 10% of our thoughts involve comparisons of some kind. Spend time at an expat meet and greet morning tea and we are all comparing all over the place, even if we don’t mean to. We take note of how well our kids are settling in “compared to others”, how many cultural experiences we are having “compared to others”, how many new friends we have “compared to others”, and how many visitors we are having (or not, depending on your preference) “compared to others”.
A user’s guide to social comparisons.
Compare yourself to...yourself
Wanting to learn a new skill or get in shape? Instead of comparing yourself to everyone else and what they can do, try focusing just on your own improvement. This can be done by setting yourself small, incremental goals. Goals should provide a small stretch but be realistic. Impossible goals (like being fluent in French in a month) can very quickly turn into a feeling of learned-helplessness. Break big long-term goals down into smaller goals. Congratulate yourself for achieving small goals, irrespective of what others are doing.
Count your blessings
Conscious downward comparisons made from a place of genuine humility and gratitude can help jolt you out of feelings of deficiency. For example, just realising not everyone has food, shelter, and access to education (aka French lessons) can really put your life in perspective.
Chose upwards comparisons mindfully
When we compare upwards to someone doing slightly better it can motivate us to improve and try harder. But comparing ourselves to someone at the very top of his or her field, or with more resources and experience, can be detrimental. For example, comparing my French with someone who has lived in France for 20 years will only end in tears.
Pay attention to your social media use
Social media is extremely fertile ground for social comparisons. Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings when scrolling through your newsfeed. Are you comparing yourself to everyone’s weight loss, summer vacation and chicken curry? Too much time on social media has been shown to adversely effect our moods. Remember, we rarely ever post pictures of our bad hair days, dirty bathrooms or burnt dinners. We can easily fall into the trap of upward comparing our real life with someone’s carefully orchestrated highlights. Besides, as the saying goes, “you shouldn’t compare your insides with someone else's outsides”. If it’s connection you crave, message, Skype or call a friend instead.
Watch your thoughts
As far as we know thoughts are just electrical and biochemical reactions in our brains. They can just pop up in our consciousness, seemingly from nowhere. Some are true and/or helpful, many are not. Get in the habit of checking in with your thoughts. Question their helpfulness. If you are having an upwards comparison thought that is not helpful (eg: I am not as smart as them), let it go, and refocus on the present moment (and your French conjugations).
Focus on “your” strengths
We can’t all be good at everything, besides the world would be pretty boring if we were. The truth is we all have our own individual strengths. So I might not be able to speak French (yet) but I can whip you up a pretty cool wedding cake. Research shows that whilst we can keep plugging away at our weaknesses, our strengths will always improve exponentially. So even though I keep persisting with the French language I may never be a polyglot. But so long as I can get a coffee in a cafe and a “vin rouge” in a brasserie, I guess that is something I can learn to accept (for now).
